The Canard Times

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Bush Smacked By God

During a live, televised news conference, President George W. Bush was hit sharply in the back of the head by a large, semi-transparent, disembodied hand. All in attendance agreed that it was the presence of The Almighty.

Bush was in the middle of saying “our continued success in Iraq proves the justice and morality of our initial decision”, when the Hand appeared behind him and struck him so hard that he almost lost his footing. Bush seemed not to be aware that he was struck and continued speaking as if nothing had happened. Aides quickly escorted the confused Bush away.

Press Secretary Tony Snow later said “The President was touched in the head by God. And you don’t get closer to Divine Providence then that!”

Monday, May 15, 2006

“Dual-Cast” Ready For Superbowl Premier

Time to drag your second TV next to your widescreen and get a splitter – it’s Superbowl time!

In a groundbreaking deal with NBC, ESPN will be airing alternative angles live during the game. Dubbed “dual-casting”, this simultaneous broadcasting of a sporting event will be the first of its kind. Viewers will be able to see the whole field and the quarterback close-up, the ref’s call while the coach throws his headset on the ground, the wide receivers outrunning the safeties while the defensive line penetrates the pocket – all at once, without missing a thing.

“This game is too big for one screen,” beamed ESPN CEO Robert Iger.

In this deal ESPN will share half its advertising revenue with NBC and not be allowed to air audio during the ga*END TRANSMISSION*

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Redistricting Bill Now Law

October 15, 2009


President Smith signed the Congressional District Reform Act into law yesterday, which will create vast changes in the way congressional districts will be redrawn this coming year.

This bill was forced upon by the Supreme Court in a groundbreaking ruling stating that overly-convoluted districts were unconstitutional and that they should be “fixed” before the next redistricting.

The solution that took Congress two years to hammer out would be to limit the length of district boundaries relative to the district’s area. This is represented by this formula: The circumference of a congressional district cannot be greater than twice the area of the district, or C ≤ 2A.

This means that a rectangle that was 400 miles long and 5 miles wide could not be a congressional district, while a rectangle 40 miles long by 5 miles wide would just make the cutoff.


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