The Canard Times

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Islam Gobbles Up Christianity In A Hostel Takeover

Mecca - The global corporation Islam, Inc. bought out 51% of Christianity, Ltd. stocks and plans to convert all of the religion's storefronts into mosques. Government regulators are looking into trust violation issues while Muslim spokesperson Mohammed Shoyaib insists that there is no overlap, quality will remain intact and tithing rates will remain steady.

Christianity has a strong base of loyal customers that are predicted to worship only at the mosques that were previously churches and with Imam's that started as pastors or priests. Investors don't believe this will affect the bottom line as the religion's stock prices jumped $2.54 or 5.3% (ISM) in heavy trading.

While patronage remained high in the Americas and Third World, they have seen a steady decline in the lucrative Europe market where Sunday mornings no longer mean a surge in revenue. Also a major factor was the change in actors for the long time media icon "The Pope". While he was touring in sub-Saharan Africa crowds sometimes booed and chanted "Bring back the Polish guy."

Many Christian observers felt that a takeover was inevitable and were just thankful that another religion bought out their belief system. Many of the other entities that have also tried to have a stockholder majority in the religion included the South American nation Venezuela - for diplomatic reasons, Disney - which saw a captive audience in Sunday schools, Cyberdyne Systems - which sought it's long term goal of merging Skynet's artificial intelligence with human religion, and the economic system Capitalism - which has ideological imperatives for monetizing every aspect of human existence.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Unseated Pluto Will Form Own Party

The shocking results from the International Astronomical Union primaries have unseated Pluto from the Planetary Party. But Pluto has rejected his demotion to Dwarf Planet status by the caucus and circulated petitions to form the Super-Duper Planet Party.

Pluto, a 76-year incumbent of the Planet Party sees his new status as derisive. “It is clear that the IAU has formed this new distinction to belittle the office I’ve held for so long,” said Pluto. “They somehow believe that that these new spoiler candidates, Xena and Sedna among others, will diminish the status of the party and so have conspired to unseat me.”

Mars ambassador John Bolton defended the action stating that the field has become far too large and unwieldy. “It’s as if everyone wants to be recognized as a planet nowadays. Besides the “princess warrior” we’ve got Santa and the Easterbunny and even Chaos itself making claims. We had to draw the line somewhere.”

Pluto has long been a “swing planet” within the parties and always willing to “cross the asteroid belt” in order to build consensus between the Gas Giants and Terrestrial Planet factions. It was widely seen that Pluto’s facilitation of Mars’ war-like actions has let to his downfall.


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Osei's Lesson - Part 1

I am honored to tell you of the first task I performed for my King. I was charged to serve Osei, an intimidating man of an overbearing size. He was brought in to see the King by his village’s elders who said that he routinely mistreated his wife and many children. The King asked many questions about his children; their names and ages. He was particularly interested in Dansia, the man’s three-year-old daughter who He learned was very afraid of his father. The King’s ruling was that the only food that the man could eat for a month was the food that Dansia gave to him by her own volition. I was the one he chose to ensure that his ruling was carried out.

I followed Osei home-although he twice tried to lose me in the crowd-and found that his family had taken the opportunity of the trial to vanish with their belongings. He growled and threw the remaining bowls at the walls. When he reached for the bowl with a heel of bread, he withdrew his hand with a hiss, as though it were hot. He first looked stunned by the welt that was growing on his hand, courtesy of my walking stick. Then he acknowledged me for the first time.

I did not allow him to vent his rage upon me, since that was not the role I was asked to perform. So, he was only given a step before the rage and consciousness was taken from him by a swift blow of my walking stick.

I then stood still and meditated for an hour on the face and habitat that Osei created for himself. I saw the anger-lines etched deep around his eyes through years of overuse. It will take many more years to smooth them out. I saw wear-marks through the handles of the family tea cabinet. I understood that the dowry must have been a great sacrifice for the wife’s family. That twine meant to keep the tea set safe was continuously torn off and retied. I smelt the sweat of the father overpowered the rest of the family’s sweat. I smelt the lavender water used to diffuse the air of soiled diapers.

Osei came to and shivered as night had settled. He eyed me wearily and put fuel in the oven. With his back turned toward me he tried to slip a sunflower seed into his mouth. The walking stick struck the nerve running behind his jawbone, making the muscles in his cheek collapse temporarily. He had difficulty drinking his tea since he couldn’t close his mouth and he returned to ignoring me.

In the morning he went to work constructing the defense walls around the city. There wasn’t much room on the top of the wall and so he complained loudly that I was in the way. He also tried hard to jostle into me and shove me off the wall but I found myself where he wasn’t at all times. One time when he was relaying blocks of stone up a steep path to the top, he swung his stone wildly, trying to catch me off guard. He would have lost his balance and fallen if I had not pulled him back by his belt. After that his fellow workers had given me the name “Osei’s Ghost” which the neighborhood adapted.

During lunch one of the workers tossed him a fig, noticing that he had not brought a lunch. I caught it with the stick and looked at Osei with my eyebrows raised. Anger came from Osei as he looked back at me. “It’s no use, Gramel. He wants me to starve to death. I saw him kill an old man because he asked me if I’d like an olive.”

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