Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Canard Times Appears Slightly Forlorn

Springfield - The Canard Times delivered an official statement followed by a press conference stating that it may have noticed a lack of attention. Ian A. Straman, the publications' official spokesperson vehemently asserts that this statement "should not in any way, shape or form be construed as 'loneliness'."

"As a detached observer of the most underreported non-events in existence," stated Sraman. "The Canard Times denies the presence of any feelings, emotions or empathy within its words or between its lines."

When asked about the Times precipitous fall in both authorship and readership, Stramen lamented that he himself has been neglectful. "Some people believe there is but one reason that they were placed on this earth, although I wouldn't go quite that far, I certainly neglected my duty and obligation to vigilantly report on the more blatant absences of certain occurrences."

Some within the press corps suggested that bringing attention to the Times imminent demise was just a publicity stunt to drive up circulation. "There was no doubt in my mind that such a slanderous assertion would be leveled at such a venerable institution. Without any expectation of reward and operating on a negligent budget, this publication has brought you groundbreaking exclusives that you will find no where else." Wiping the stinging tears away from his eyes, Stramen added, "The Canard Times wishes to make it known that it feels apathetic to your accusation and does not feel either hurt or betrayed by the members of its own community or their obvious schadenfreude."


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