Friday, March 10, 2006

*EXCLUSIVE* Interview With John McCain

KATIE COURIC - Many have brought up the possibility of an imminent terrorist threat that can only be prevented by harsh interrogation…

JOHN MCCAIN – Yes,yes. You want to know if I would be opposed to torture even then. Well, lets flesh that scenario out a little bit. Let’s say that some right-wing nut job who really wants state-sanctioned torture walks into the studio with a dirty bomb strapped to his chest. It’s got a keypad that will disarm it and only the terrorist knows what the combination is. The timer on it is ticking and he says that they’d have to torture him before he’d give up the combination. That sort of situation, right?

COURIC: Um…ah…sure…

JOHN MCCAIN – Well, in that case I still wouldn’t order anyone to torture him; I would torture him myself. I’d start slow at first: noogies, Indian burns, wedgies, purple nurples, whatever it takes. But if that doesn’t work, I’d start pulling out fingernails with needle-nose pliers attached to a car battery. Or perhaps I’d go old-fashioned and slowly dip him into a vat of boiling oil. Oh, and here’s an old favorite of mine from Vietnam; tie his hands behind his back with a long rope, throw the other end of the rope over the rafters and pull him up till he starts dangling. Then start jerking the rope up and down until both my shoulders dislocate. Sound like fun?

GHOST-WHITE COURIC – …

JOHN MCCAIN – But that’s not the important part. He would have told me anything to stop the pain long before that. The important part is what I would have done after it was over. Ask me that. Ask me what I would have done then.

SICKLY-GREEN COURIC – Wha- What would you have done?

JOHN MCCAIN – I would have gone straight to the nearest police station and turned myself in. Confessed to everything, pleaded guilty and asked the judge for the maximum sentence. Do you want to know why I would have done this?

ASHEN-GREY COURIC – Why?

JOHN MCCAIN – Because torture is a heinous crime against humanity. Because no matter who you are, who you do it to or why you did it, it is still a sin and a crime. Because if I am willing to degrade the very essence of what it means to be a human being for my country, then I’d be willing to spend the rest of my days in prison for my country also. If any soldier or intelligence agent believes that torturing another human being is the best way to serve their country, then they better be willing to pay the consequences.

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