The Canard Times

A message from the editor

2007-02-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

The Canard Times had recently delved into the future for source material and discovered that MIT would be holding a "largest number contest". It has just been shown that MIT held the event 3 years ahead of schedule and altered the ground rules, resulting in a breech of copyright laws. The Canard Times will be bringing this matter to court and using the video of the event as evidence.

- Ian A. Stramen

World Peace Achieved

2006-09-18T15:04:00.000-06:00

Washington – President Bush along with the entire congress has declared victory over terrorism, poverty, all human illnesses, world hunger, budget deficits, discomfort, pain, suffering, and human conflict in general. He then popped off the stopper on a test tube and breathed in deeply saying, “This genetically engendered airborne AIDS virus will solve all your problems.” He was then heard to mutter under his breath, “And they said I wouldn’t leave a lasting legacy.”

Inspiration: See comment.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seneca_the_Younger

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/17/magazine/17satire.html?ei=5090&en=dd095911c7d625b3&ex=1316145600&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss&pagewanted=print

Bush: Wrongfully Incarcerated Should Get Same Benefits As Vets

2006-09-17T22:29:00.000-06:00

Washington - President George Bush announced at a press conference today that all those that have been falsely imprisoned by the judicial system should receive compensation and benefits equivalent to service in the armed forces, if his proposed legislation becomes law.

“I propose that those that are wrongfully incarcerated for a crime that they did not commit receive the same benefits and services that veterans of the armed forces receive," Bush said.

"Additionally, they should receive the same amount of pay that a Private receives in the Army for the amount of time that they served. My rationale is that both military personnel and the wrongfully incarcerated sacrifice their lives or a part of their lives for the safety and security of the nation. No one can expect that all convictions in the US justice system are to be error free, and those innocent people in prison (and the small chance that we may one day be one of those people) is the ‘price that we pay’ for a justice system that removes the criminals from society. This parallels with the inevitability of having a military with people who risk their lives and sacrifice their freedoms to protect ordinary citizens.

“Likewise, the loved ones of those that have died while wrongfully imprisoned should receive the same compensation as those that have given their lives in service to their country.

Bush added: “Perhaps if wrongful convictions start costing the taxpayers too much money, politicians would find ways to reduce the margin of error. A cost benefit analysis might show that giving the justice system adequate resources and oversight might be cheaper than adding more exonerated people to the government dole.”

Inspiration: http://www.plastic.com/article.html;sid=02/04/13/1520202
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/17/AR2006091700259.html

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/smith/etc/synopsis.html

Islam Gobbles Up Christianity In A Hostel Takeover

2006-08-30T12:21:00.000-06:00

Mecca - The global corporation Islam, Inc. bought out 51% of Christianity, Ltd. stocks and plans to convert all of the religion's storefronts into mosques. Government regulators are looking into trust violation issues while Muslim spokesperson Mohammed Shoyaib insists that there is no overlap, quality will remain intact and tithing rates will remain steady.

Christianity has a strong base of loyal customers that are predicted to worship only at the mosques that were previously churches and with Imam's that started as pastors or priests. Investors don't believe this will affect the bottom line as the religion's stock prices jumped $2.54 or 5.3% (ISM) in heavy trading.

While patronage remained high in the Americas and Third World, they have seen a steady decline in the lucrative Europe market where Sunday mornings no longer mean a surge in revenue. Also a major factor was the change in actors for the long time media icon "The Pope". While he was touring in sub-Saharan Africa crowds sometimes booed and chanted "Bring back the Polish guy."

Many Christian observers felt that a takeover was inevitable and were just thankful that another religion bought out their belief system. Many of the other entities that have also tried to have a stockholder majority in the religion included the South American nation Venezuela - for diplomatic reasons, Disney - which saw a captive audience in Sunday schools, Cyberdyne Systems - which sought it's long term goal of merging Skynet's artificial intelligence with human religion, and the economic system Capitalism - which has ideological imperatives for monetizing every aspect of human existence.

Unseated Pluto Will Form Own Party

2006-08-24T12:35:00.000-06:00

The shocking results from the International Astronomical Union primaries have unseated Pluto from the Planetary Party. But Pluto has rejected his demotion to Dwarf Planet status by the caucus and circulated petitions to form the Super-Duper Planet Party.

Pluto, a 76-year incumbent of the Planet Party sees his new status as derisive. “It is clear that the IAU has formed this new distinction to belittle the office I’ve held for so long,” said Pluto. “They somehow believe that that these new spoiler candidates, Xena and Sedna among others, will diminish the status of the party and so have conspired to unseat me.”

Mars ambassador John Bolton defended the action stating that the field has become far too large and unwieldy. “It’s as if everyone wants to be recognized as a planet nowadays. Besides the “princess warrior” we’ve got Santa and the Easterbunny and even Chaos itself making claims. We had to draw the line somewhere.”

Pluto has long been a “swing planet” within the parties and always willing to “cross the asteroid belt” in order to build consensus between the Gas Giants and Terrestrial Planet factions. It was widely seen that Pluto’s facilitation of Mars’ war-like actions has let to his downfall.

Inspiration: http://www.metafilter.com/mefi/54197#1412862
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/8/24/102112/777

Osei's Lesson - Part 1

2006-08-03T10:22:00.000-06:00

I am honored to tell you of the first task I performed for my King. I was charged to serve Osei, an intimidating man of an overbearing size. He was brought in to see the King by his village’s elders who said that he routinely mistreated his wife and many children. The King asked many questions about his children; their names and ages. He was particularly interested in Dansia, the man’s three-year-old daughter who He learned was very afraid of his father. The King’s ruling was that the only food that the man could eat for a month was the food that Dansia gave to him by her own volition. I was the one he chose to ensure that his ruling was carried out.

I followed Osei home-although he twice tried to lose me in the crowd-and found that his family had taken the opportunity of the trial to vanish with their belongings. He growled and threw the remaining bowls at the walls. When he reached for the bowl with a heel of bread, he withdrew his hand with a hiss, as though it were hot. He first looked stunned by the welt that was growing on his hand, courtesy of my walking stick. Then he acknowledged me for the first time.

I did not allow him to vent his rage upon me, since that was not the role I was asked to perform. So, he was only given a step before the rage and consciousness was taken from him by a swift blow of my walking stick.

I then stood still and meditated for an hour on the face and habitat that Osei created for himself. I saw the anger-lines etched deep around his eyes through years of overuse. It will take many more years to smooth them out. I saw wear-marks through the handles of the family tea cabinet. I understood that the dowry must have been a great sacrifice for the wife’s family. That twine meant to keep the tea set safe was continuously torn off and retied. I smelt the sweat of the father overpowered the rest of the family’s sweat. I smelt the lavender water used to diffuse the air of soiled diapers.

Osei came to and shivered as night had settled. He eyed me wearily and put fuel in the oven. With his back turned toward me he tried to slip a sunflower seed into his mouth. The walking stick struck the nerve running behind his jawbone, making the muscles in his cheek collapse temporarily. He had difficulty drinking his tea since he couldn’t close his mouth and he returned to ignoring me.

In the morning he went to work constructing the defense walls around the city. There wasn’t much room on the top of the wall and so he complained loudly that I was in the way. He also tried hard to jostle into me and shove me off the wall but I found myself where he wasn’t at all times. One time when he was relaying blocks of stone up a steep path to the top, he swung his stone wildly, trying to catch me off guard. He would have lost his balance and fallen if I had not pulled him back by his belt. After that his fellow workers had given me the name “Osei’s Ghost” which the neighborhood adapted.

During lunch one of the workers tossed him a fig, noticing that he had not brought a lunch. I caught it with the stick and looked at Osei with my eyebrows raised. Anger came from Osei as he looked back at me. “It’s no use, Gramel. He wants me to starve to death. I saw him kill an old man because he asked me if I’d like an olive.”

Ted Turner, D.C. and $1 Billion

2006-07-03T15:15:00.000-06:00

By habit, I always arrive first at high-level meetings – about five minutes before the Senator. This way I can make any adjustments necessary and preempt any snafus. The senior aids for the Democratic and Republican leadership of both the House and the Senate, plus the heads of the DNC, RNC and their respective election committees weren’t snafus, they were “realignments”. All of the presidential contenders were there also. I Blackberried the Senator. By the fact that the other aids were all talking nervously on their cells or emailing their own bosses suggested that they were as unprepared as I was.

I never would have guessed that Ted Turner would have the ability to pull off a stunt like this. Perhaps the president is the only one capable of pulling all of these players into the same room at the same time, but to do it without our knowledge takes Beltway resources outside of Turner’s grasp.

There were rumblings that Turner was seeding political muscle. He hired large swaths of lobbying firms; many of which were diametrically opposed to each other. Through the invitation-only blogs our junior aids have been trolling, they’ve learned that the firms have all signed nondisclosure agreements with Turner.

The congressmen had all arrived and sat around the industrial-sized board room table and their aids sat behind them around the wall. Turner came in and went right to work on us.

“Thanks for coming. I’m offering to completely and fully finance every single congressional election and the presidential election if you meet with my conditions. First, you’ll have to make it legal. The two grand cap won’t work.” He slipped a piece of paper to each head of the RNC and DNC. “A half a billion dollars,” Howard Dean said dryly.

“Second,” continued Turner. “I will be you’re sole source of funding. All monies raised for the next election cannot be used for that election. Send it back; give it away to charity – fine. It cannot be used for electioneering.”

“Third, you will pass a law requiring that all future federal campaigns will be fully and completely financed by the public.” Groans filled the room. They all realized what this was really about.

“Did you really think that you could force us all to pass your bill with a massive bribe?” asked a Republican senator.

“Morgan told me that you did that for his clients all the time,” Turner said.

Nervous laughter came from the other party. Morgan is the lobbying point-man for the asbestos legislation that was designed to bail out the industry from their employee’s lawsuits, at the taxpayer’s expense. Turner must have hired his firm. The laughter was nervous because they realized that their lobbyists might have relayed some of their dubious practices also.

During the next couple of weeks, our respective lobbying firms let us know of the extent of Turner’s bought knowledge of our past dealings. The weight of the unspoken blackmail pushed down on D.C. like a low pressure front. Not much work was done in moving forward; too much energy was spent retracing our steps.

The bill was pased with many bland statements, no one willing to openly support it or directly oppose it; that was left to the Freshmen who knew not of the subsurface typhoon. The few lobbying firms that opposed it retracted their statements shortly after making them. Even the President seemed to roll over without much fuss. No one group should have this much power.

The Canard Times Appears Slightly Forlorn

2006-06-28T21:20:00.000-06:00

Springfield - The Canard Times delivered an official statement followed by a press conference stating that it may have noticed a lack of attention. Ian A. Straman, the publications' official spokesperson vehemently asserts that this statement "should not in any way, shape or form be construed as 'loneliness'."

"As a detached observer of the most underreported non-events in existence," stated Sraman. "The Canard Times denies the presence of any feelings, emotions or empathy within its words or between its lines."

When asked about the Times precipitous fall in both authorship and readership, Stramen lamented that he himself has been neglectful. "Some people believe there is but one reason that they were placed on this earth, although I wouldn't go quite that far, I certainly neglected my duty and obligation to vigilantly report on the more blatant absences of certain occurrences."

Some within the press corps suggested that bringing attention to the Times imminent demise was just a publicity stunt to drive up circulation. "There was no doubt in my mind that such a slanderous assertion would be leveled at such a venerable institution. Without any expectation of reward and operating on a negligent budget, this publication has brought you groundbreaking exclusives that you will find no where else." Wiping the stinging tears away from his eyes, Stramen added, "The Canard Times wishes to make it known that it feels apathetic to your accusation and does not feel either hurt or betrayed by the members of its own community or their obvious schadenfreude."

Iraqis Protect Themselves With US Flag

2006-06-28T20:19:00.000-06:00

Baghdad – The American flag is now being plastered everywhere in Iraq. This isn’t some newfound Iraqi love of the Stars and Stripes. Instead, the flag is being used as protection against US military force.

Since the ruling by the Supreme Court that Jesse Hanson, demolition expert in charge of destroying a historic building that had the flag painted on its side by conservationists, was indeed guilty of breaking the Flag Protection Law according to the newly instated Flag Desecration Amendment, Old Glory has been seen painted on homes and businesses from border to border in this war torn nation.

Legal experts disagree whether US soldiers can be court marshaled for breaking the law by desecrating the flag during the course of their duties.

MIT Holds Biggest Number Contest

2006-06-20T09:39:00.000-06:00

Cambridge - The old joke in the field of meganumerology is that it’s not the size of your numbers, but how you use them that counts. But one budding mathematician believes that you need to find the largest numbers before you are able to use them. So Mathew Frederin, Masters student of mathematics at MIT devised a contest to find some suitable numbers to study.

“My real interest is trying to find out which of two numbers is bigger, which isn’t as easy as it sounds when you are dealing with numbers on this scale”, explained Frederin. Finding a novel thesis topic in mathematics isn’t easy either, but thanks to a late night of drinking and playing math games with classmates he came upon the difficulties of determining the relative values of these meganumbers.

“I figured that there must be a systematic method for stratifying these numbers,” Frederin said. “But when I looked through the literature, it looked pretty bare.” Now that he had a thesis topic, he needed a way to gather data. “Computer generated numbers were predictably easy to categorize. So, I needed to find a human source for these numbers, written in the wide spectrum of mathematical notation used to create these numbers.”

The students and faculty at MIT were an obvious resource and at his adviser’s suggestion, created a contest. The rules are simple: Within 15 seconds contestants write on an index card English words or mathematical notation a single whole number that is less than infinity. The highest number gets the $1,000 grand prize with $500 and $250 going respectively to the second and third place winners.

“I sent out grant applications everywhere for the prize money,” said Frederin. “I never knew that the Department of Defense was that interested in the math contests.”

Contestants shouldn’t expect instant gratification for their 15 second effort. “Although it depends on the number of contestants, I fully expect it to take over a year to go through all of the cards and write proofs for the top finishers to discern which is the largest. This is my thesis project, after all.”

Inspiration - http://www.scottaaronson.com/writings/bignumbers.html

Bush Smacked By God

2006-05-16T20:51:00.000-06:00

During a live, televised news conference, President George W. Bush was hit sharply in the back of the head by a large, semi-transparent, disembodied hand. All in attendance agreed that it was the presence of The Almighty.

Bush was in the middle of saying “our continued success in Iraq proves the justice and morality of our initial decision”, when the Hand appeared behind him and struck him so hard that he almost lost his footing. Bush seemed not to be aware that he was struck and continued speaking as if nothing had happened. Aides quickly escorted the confused Bush away.

Press Secretary Tony Snow later said “The President was touched in the head by God. And you don’t get closer to Divine Providence then that!”

“Dual-Cast” Ready For Superbowl Premier

2006-05-15T15:30:00.000-06:00

Time to drag your second TV next to your widescreen and get a splitter – it’s Superbowl time!

In a groundbreaking deal with NBC, ESPN will be airing alternative angles live during the game. Dubbed “dual-casting”, this simultaneous broadcasting of a sporting event will be the first of its kind. Viewers will be able to see the whole field and the quarterback close-up, the ref’s call while the coach throws his headset on the ground, the wide receivers outrunning the safeties while the defensive line penetrates the pocket – all at once, without missing a thing.

“This game is too big for one screen,” beamed ESPN CEO Robert Iger.

In this deal ESPN will share half its advertising revenue with NBC and not be allowed to air audio during the ga*END TRANSMISSION*

Redistricting Bill Now Law

2006-05-04T09:17:00.000-06:00

October 15, 2009

WASHINGTON -

President Smith signed the Congressional District Reform Act into law yesterday, which will create vast changes in the way congressional districts will be redrawn this coming year.

This bill was forced upon by the Supreme Court in a groundbreaking ruling stating that overly-convoluted districts were unconstitutional and that they should be “fixed” before the next redistricting.

The solution that took Congress two years to hammer out would be to limit the length of district boundaries relative to the district’s area. This is represented by this formula: The circumference of a congressional district cannot be greater than twice the area of the district, or C ≤ 2A.

This means that a rectangle that was 400 miles long and 5 miles wide could not be a congressional district, while a rectangle 40 miles long by 5 miles wide would just make the cutoff.

Inspiration: http://www.slate.com/id/2140054/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerrymandering

Delegation

2006-04-11T14:53:00.000-06:00

Q&A session at Johns Hopkins University:

Q Thank you, Mr. President. It's an honor to have you here. I'm a first-year student in South Asia studies. My question is in regards to private military contractors. Uniform Code of Military Justice does not apply to these contractors in Iraq. I asked your Secretary of Defense a couple months ago what law governs their actions.

THE PRESIDENT: I was going to ask him. Go ahead. (Laughter.) Help. (Laughter.)

Q I was hoping your answer might be a little more specific. (Laughter.) Mr. Rumsfeld answered that Iraq has its own domestic laws which he assumed applied to those private military contractors. However, Iraq is clearly not currently capable of enforcing its laws, much less against -- over our American military contractors. I would submit to you that in this case, this is one case that privatization is not a solution. And, Mr. President, how do you propose to bring private military contractors under a system of law?

THE PRESIDENT: I appreciate that very much. I wasn't kidding -- (laughter.) I was going to -- I pick up the phone and say, Mr. Secretary, I've got an interesting question. (Laughter.) Actually, let’s do that. Anyone want to see me pump the Secretary of Defense for information? (applause) Ok. Donny, come on out here…Yes, come out on the stage and make sure you bring your cell phone. This is Don; he’s called my personal aid. He’s the one who remembers my wife’s birthday. (Laughter.) Ok Donny, I want you to get Mr. Rumsfeld on the phone, but I don’t want him to know we’ve got an audience. Everyone: keep quiet so we don’t tip him off. Yeah, put it on speaker phone and I’ll put it next to the mic. (Ring.) Anyone got a stopwatch to see how long…

SECRETARY OF STATE DONALD RUMSFIELD: Mr. President?

THE PRESIDENT: Rummy? I’ve got an interesting question for you.

Inspiration: http://www.crooksandliars.com/2006/04/10.html#a7868

SloGlas Sheds Light on Privacy and Legal Issues

2006-04-06T13:39:00.000-06:00

Five years after the light-slowing material known as SloGlas has been installed throughout the US, groups are becoming concerned about the privacy and legal concerns that are now starting to arise.

SloGlas is created from a carbon-silicon crystallite that slows down the light particles that pass through it at a predetermined rate. This way the light shone through the material can be seen a few minutes or years later in perfect clarity.

This has become a great boon for reducing artificial lighting in homes and businesses as dual-sky lights have been pre-installed in millions of buildings. The delay is usually set at 12-hours on one half of the skylight while the other half is just normal glass. Enjoying the night sky and natural sunlight 24 hours a day has now become the norm.

Since light passes through at the same speed in both directions, these skylights and windows offer a glimpse back in time for both those inside and outside. The legal ramifications of this became apparent during the murder trial of Benny Harris who was accused of killing his wife. The prosecutors were granted an eight month recess while they waited for the subpoenaed SloGlas to reveal what happened at the murder scene at the time of the crime.

In another creative use of the material for the other side of the law, a serial flasher found a way to get around the statute of limitations. He exposed himself in front of the three-year pane at the Slivers of Time sculpture in Central Park, then came back three years later with a flash mob he created to enjoy their reactions. After being charged with indecent exposure, the judge ruefully had to throw it out because they were past the statute of limitations. Congress is now considering ways to get around this new loophole.

Joint ownership rights of SloGlas have been giving divorce and property rights lawyers a headache. Spouses want to see their kids grow up all over again, but don’t want their former significant others to see them in compromising situations. And previous renters of apartments claim they own the images that will someday shine through the other side of the expensive panes that were installed in their residences.

The material’s use as energy storage has also elicited a lawsuit. A broken pane that had been shipped from the Sahara and ended up in a US landfill spontaneously combusted the trash it was laying on when the direct sunlight finally shone through.

What once started as modern art sculptures and time capsules to novelties, batteries and ubiquitous energy-savers has time- and place-shifted light in a way that we are only now beginning to grasp.

inspiration: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393972410/qid=1144346123/sr=1-88/ref=sr_1_88/102-7279817-9131322?s=books&v=glance&n=283155
http://www.rochester.edu/news/show.php?id=2544

Google’s Hunt For The Icy Blue

2006-04-03T10:48:00.000-06:00

Most of the servers that power the search engines of Google are in the process of being relocated to Oahu, Hawaii to take advantage of their cooling waters. Google has been on a constant search to find ways to reduce the amount of power or cool down their fields of low-end computers that run their business.

John Piña Craven offered a solution, harvest the near-freezing waters within the ocean depths. He is the “mad genius” who designed the miles of pipes that feed through the servers and eliminated the need for fans or even A/C throughout the complex.

The temperature difference between the ice-cold water and the tropical air outside can also be harnessed to create enough electricity to power the same computers they are cooling. This slightly warmed water is then returned hundreds of meters back down.

“The real advantage of tropical islands is their warm climate and lack of a continental shelf,” explained Craven. “This way you can send your pipes far below the bulk of the marine life, the warm air boosts the amount of electricity generated, and you never have to worry about your above-ground pipes freezing in the winter.”

Craven also pitched his idea feed ceramic pipes through Hawaii’s lava fields, calculating that the difference between the superheated steam and chilly ocean water would power the state capital. Google declined, saying they had no interest in becoming a public utility.

Inspiration: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/13.06/craven.html
http://news.com.com/Power+could+cost+more+than+servers,+Google+warns/2100-1010_3-5988090.html
http://www.enwave.com/enwave/dlwc/

Iran Dares US To Drop Nukes If They Do

2006-03-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

Iranian leader Ali Khamenei made a video taped press release sent to all major US outlets offering to cancel their nuclear ambitions if the United States government vows to do the same. "We have every right as a free people to advance our technology for the benefit of our people as we see fit. And Allah willing, we will. But if America truly wishes to reduce the amount of nations that have nuclear power, then they should lead by example. As the leader of my people, I vow to order my people to stop producing, researching or using nuclear material if President Bush promises to do the same. Furthermore, we will vow to never research, create or use nuclear weapons if the United States decommissions their own nuclear weapons and promised to never make any more." The White House has not yet issued a response.

Study Claims 'Most Evolved' Species Found

2006-03-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

Most people have heard of cockroaches and crocodiles as being "old" species since they haven't evolved much in the past hundred million years. But what would be considered a genetically "new" species and which are the "newest"? This is the question that two Princeton geneticists set out to answer.

Using the GenMAPP Gene Database, whose goal is to systematically store and categorize all of the world's genetic diversity, Dr. Gene Jenson and Dr. Alice Bratoa are using DNA analysis to weed out the old from the new.

"One of the most difficult aspects of this study was coming up with a working definition of what 'genetically new' is," said Bratoa. "We wanted to find species that have had the most 'branching' along their evolutionary path." They have theorized that they couldn't just find the most genetically unique beings because they are generally known as the oldest. Bacteria, for instance, are one of the most genetically distinct beings but they lack even a nucleus. On the other hand, finding the most genetically mundane living thing is even harder to define and yields such golden oldies as cockroaches and sharks.

The 'timepiece' that geneticists most often use are the genetic mutations that are found in the "empty" regions of the genome - the parts that seem to have no effect on how the being is developed or behaves. These accumulate at a semi-fixed rate over generations. The beings that accumulated the most of these harmless mutations are thought to be the oldest.

But the geneticists added another layer of complexity to ensure that the species had to endure the most branching before being labeled "most evolved". Within the group of species that had the most mutations that were harmless, they sought the ones who were then the most genetically distinct.

Then they looked through some of the major branches of evolution for their winners. "We couldn't just pick one winner," explained Jenson. "It's like comparing apples and oranges. The gulf between plants and animals is to great to make an adequate comparison."

In the plant kingdom, they have concluded that a wild fig tree was the most evolved tree and the orchid called creeping ladies tresses was most evolved among all plants. Yucca moths claimed the rights for the animals while the California red-backed vole holds it for the mammals and the greater honeyguide has it for the birds. Humans were on the "short list", Jenson said, but among primates our close ancestor the orangutan supercedes us.

Once they looked more closely at these species, they discovered that they all had two things in common. One was that they are highly specialized. The other is a survival strategy known as mutualism, a symbiotic relationship with another species where both species benefit from their relationship. Fig trees require a species-specific fig wasp to penetrate its fruit and pollinate it from inside, giving the wasp a place to lay her eggs. The creeping ladies tresses require a specific bee species to slip into its nectar and climb out through a special hole where two pollen sacks are glued on so it can pollinate another orchard. Yucca moths have a similar relationship with the yucca plant. Red-backed voles eat fungi, helping to disperse their spores. And honeyguides have a mutually beneficial relationship with humans; these birds lead people to hives where the humans take the honey and the bird eats the leftover larva and wax.

Dr. Bratoa speculates that these relationships force these species to change more rapidly since they would have to change not only for their own survival, but for their partner's as well.

EXCLUSIVE Interview With John McCain

2006-03-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

KATIE COURIC - Many have brought up the possibility of an imminent terrorist threat that can only be prevented by harsh interrogation…

JOHN MCCAIN – Yes,yes. You want to know if I would be opposed to torture even then. Well, lets flesh that scenario out a little bit. Let’s say that some right-wing nut job who really wants state-sanctioned torture walks into the studio with a dirty bomb strapped to his chest. It’s got a keypad that will disarm it and only the terrorist knows what the combination is. The timer on it is ticking and he says that they’d have to torture him before he’d give up the combination. That sort of situation, right?

COURIC: Um…ah…sure…

JOHN MCCAIN – Well, in that case I still wouldn’t order anyone to torture him; I would torture him myself. I’d start slow at first: noogies, Indian burns, wedgies, purple nurples, whatever it takes. But if that doesn’t work, I’d start pulling out fingernails with needle-nose pliers attached to a car battery. Or perhaps I’d go old-fashioned and slowly dip him into a vat of boiling oil. Oh, and here’s an old favorite of mine from Vietnam; tie his hands behind his back with a long rope, throw the other end of the rope over the rafters and pull him up till he starts dangling. Then start jerking the rope up and down until both my shoulders dislocate. Sound like fun?

GHOST-WHITE COURIC – …

JOHN MCCAIN – But that’s not the important part. He would have told me anything to stop the pain long before that. The important part is what I would have done after it was over. Ask me that. Ask me what I would have done then.

SICKLY-GREEN COURIC – Wha- What would you have done?

JOHN MCCAIN – I would have gone straight to the nearest police station and turned myself in. Confessed to everything, pleaded guilty and asked the judge for the maximum sentence. Do you want to know why I would have done this?

ASHEN-GREY COURIC – Why?

JOHN MCCAIN – Because torture is a heinous crime against humanity. Because no matter who you are, who you do it to or why you did it, it is still a sin and a crime. Because if I am willing to degrade the very essence of what it means to be a human being for my country, then I’d be willing to spend the rest of my days in prison for my country also. If any soldier or intelligence agent believes that torturing another human being is the best way to serve their country, then they better be willing to pay the consequences.

Opening Transcript

2006-03-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

Tick...tick...tick...tick...tick...

[Darkened silhouette of a woman]

Woman [voice disguised]: At some point, you just have to throw the red flag.

Mike Wallace (narrating): Government insiders are increasingly leaking information about the Bush Administration's behind-the-scenes policy initiatives to the press. This has lead to a crackdown on leaks, but these officials still feel the need to speak out.

[Darkened silhouette of a man]

Man [voice disguised]: Finally, I had to ask myself, Where does my loyalty lie? With my President, or with my country?

Mike Wallace (narrating): This, and Andy Rooney, tonight on 60 Minutes.

Inspiration: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/03/04/AR2006030400867_pf.html

"There's a tone of gleeful relish in the way they talk about dragging reporters before grand juries, their appetite for withholding information, and the hints that reporters who look too hard into the public's business risk being branded traitors," said New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller, in a statement responding to questions from The Washington Post. "I don't know how far action will follow rhetoric, but some days it sounds like the administration is declaring war at home on the values it professes to be promoting abroad."

Samsung Releases 'Portable Window'

2006-03-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

Today at the '26 Electronic Entertainment Expo, Samsung introduced the Portal Authentica, a new Ultra Definition TV that is not meant for watching vids or playing games, but as a way to poke a hole in your dreary cubicle.

The UDTV is 802.11n equipted and comes with a wireless 24 megapixal all-weather video recorder with mic. The idea is to have the camera pointed at your backyard and hang the TV in your office. If you work up to a dozen miles away, you'll have a reality-quality view of your suburban garden. And if you haven't cleaned up your yard lately, you can always sync the screen to any of the hundreds of web cams around the world. With its veritable sizing, it can be squeezed into the most cramped workspace, or, if you have the wallspace, stretched to the industry standard 8'x10'. The retail price for this gadget is $899, but expect the price to drop as the novelty fades.

Police Tentions Lead To Reduced Highway Speeds

2006-03-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

In New York, the tensions between local and state police officers escalates and interdepartmental enforcement of speed limits spreads across the state.

This all started four months ago when Chief Edger Heliet of the Islandia Police Department was run over and killed by State Trooper George Neilson while giving a routine speeding ticket. Forensic evidence and Heliet's camera installed in his car revealed that Neilson was traveling in access of 80MPH in the right-hand lane at the time of impact. Although Neilson was charged with one count of manslaughter, Judge Mitch Warner acquitted the State Trooper stating that that his speeding was done "in accordance with his duties."

After swift public outcry condemned the ruling, the Islandia Police Department issued a statement saying that they would strictly enforce the state's speed limit for all drivers, including State Troopers. Three local townships joined in the pledge in a show of solidarity.

After many reports of tickets issued to Troopers in the weeks that followed, State Troopers themselves began to pull over local law enforcement throughout Suffolk County. This "tit for tat" speed limit enforcement has spread as far north as Buffalo and is causing headaches for commuters.

"I used to remember getting pissed at cops flying past me going 20 miles per hour over [the speed limit] with no sirens or nothing," said Yorktown motorist Jack Dempson. "Now that they're hovering around 55 all the time... Well, I just hope I don't get 'cop locked' on the way to work."

Since motorists are warey of passing traffic cops, an open invitation for speeding tickets, a traffic jam can form behind a single police car. This 'cop locking' has become an almost daily annoyance for long commuters.

The slowing highways have left politicians in a difficult position since they cannot order law enforcement to resume breaking the law. A memo leaked from Governor Pataki's office suggested that law enforcement travel at 45 miles an hour on the highways to allow traffic to flow around them.

Whatever solution presents itself, there is no doubting the substantial savings in fuel costs and human lives. "In just a few weeks we've seen a reduction in highway accidents by 48% and deaths by 139% throughout the state," said Dr. Peter Statle of Mt. Sinai Hospital.

Professor David Elia of NYU, who studies gas price fluctuations, calculated the gas savings. "The average highway driver saved $20 last month. If this keeps up, they'll save another $100 by the end of the year."

But public officials may not want to keep this up. A recent AP poll showed the Empire State had statistical anomalies compared with the rest of the country concerning their mood. New Yorkers were seen to be more pessimistic and had lower approval ratings for public officials at all levels of government. Although having the strictest speed limit enforcement in the country has reaped benefits for New Yorkers, they don’t seem too pleased about it.

inspiration: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5366552067462745475&q=%22meditation+on+the+speed+limit%22

Bush Proposes "Preventive" Vet Health Care Plan

2006-03-01T20:31:00.000-07:00

*For Immediate Release*

President Bush today revealed a groundbreaking proposal to lower the mounting costs of health care for military veterans by reducing their chance of injury. "For all those who look into long term health care, they know that today's watch word is 'preventive medicine'," Bush said. "If you stop people from getting hurt in the first place, then you don't have to treat them. And the people who can benefit from that the most are the people who are most susceptible to injury - our soldiers!"

The President's bold plan seeks to make sure that today's modern battlefields are a safe and healthy workplace environment for our military. "Just because you're trying cause casualties doesn't mean you have to be a casualty," insists Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "It's amazing how much money we can save if your average soldier just follows basic OSHA industry standards. Bend with your knees, wear protective goggles while throwing frag grenades, turn on the juice after you attach wires to someone, and for Goodness Sake, give your trigger finger a rest now and again. Carpal tunnel syndrome will only heal if you give it the chance to."

President Bush's proposals go beyond just orthopedic foot insoles. "Recent studies have shown that 95% of workplace accidents occur in areas of high velocity metal," Bush reported. "It is in these areas that caution should be your highest priority. But before entering any of these areas, ask yourself: How much would it cost to taxpayers if I get hurt here? Remember: For every soldier's leg that isn't blown off, that's one more artifical limb we don't have to pay for."

inspiration: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/02/28/ap/health/mainD8G1PUB80.shtml